| 2009 is punching me in the face repeatedly. Oof. |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|01:36 pm] |
I am driving to Maine and back tomorrow to attend a memorial service for a woman who was good, who I liked, but who died on Friday night in bed next to her husband after taking too many pills and drinking too much alcohol. I only hope that it didn't hurt and that she wasn't afraid.
Visiting that world will be tough. That is not my world anymore. That world was always reserved for Justin and his friends, but I got wrapped up in it and it is therefore necessary and right to drive three hours, visit it for one hour, and drive three hours back to the world I have come to understand as my home and my own. I am doing this to see her off, but also to say "see ya" to a few other feelings about that place and that world. This will be tough.
So. If you're a friend and you're unemployed or otherwise not occupied for basically the entirety of tomorrow, I could really use the company for the drive. I promise not to be too much of a downer.
Thanks for liking me too, Babs. Thanks for letting me sit in your lap and wrapping your arms around my waist to keep me from falling off. Thanks for kissing my cheek. Thank you for the hours of sharing and listening, and thanks for calling me admirable. Thank you for not judging me unless it was for my own good. Thank you for being a friend, however brief it was. I already missed you, but now I miss you more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|11:43 am] |
| [ | I'm feeling: |
| |  confused | ] |
Things got strange and then they got stranger.
Justin and I broke up (I got dumped!) and I moved to Providence (Wickenden). Now I'm going to India (WHAT) in November. That is not related to the break up and moving, but it is IMPORTANT and AMAZING. Work is sending me to learn about tea. I am ecstatic.
I am actually a really happy kid. Things were rough there for a while and I will never forget how much that hurt, but, like I mentioned in an earlier post, that pain is part of who I am now. I am like a pain sponge! SOAK IT UP, BITCHES.
Social life is strange as well. It is hard to remember who you are alone and hard to figure out what is good for you. It is also hard to avoid falling back into a cycle of doing things that are not good for you at all. So far I have fucked up only a couple of times. Things are looking up!
I started painting again. It came easy at first, but now I am maybe stuck! I have to work harder at it. I'll do that tonight.
So uh yeah. That is where I am at. Miss you all. |
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| The Hopelessness of Sorrow |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|11:53 am] |
This ache becomes part of who you are and who you will be. It will never go away. The realization of that can seem daunting, depressing, cement in your lungs. Fifty years from now when you are married and happy and completely free from the memory of that someone, with 2.5 kids and a dog, you'll wake up in the middle of the night because you thought you heard their voice or smelled their skin. You'll see a shadow in the door that was never really there. It will happen, and it's easy to dread how you'll feel when it does. It's so easy to be afraid.
Grieving is important but wallowing makes you dirty. Sorrow is not hopeful. It is hopeless to live in sorrow and expect anything to change, for sorrow does not allow change. Change is dangerous, and sorrow is a home for us when we're broken - safe, clean, easy.
I am done living in sorrow's grey house. I will be sad occasionally, but I will not say to myself, "You are not worth my sadness." That would be a lie. I will no longer tell myself that you should feel my sadness. It is not hopeful to wish pain on others, and my pain will subside. It is easy to be afraid but I will not be afraid of you because we are not so different. For everything else I will have to be brave.
There is a forceful change in the wind. Things have felt tiny and idle inside my head for a while, and I am done with that. Someone once said that the world is full of amazing things, for those of us with the courage to look. Time to get reacquainted with the world. |
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| Friday 150 |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|11:38 pm] |
Funny how pictures work. This is how we stand this is how we pose put your arm around her and smile wide.
That was taken an hour before he confessed to you the lie that he had been living. I keep looking for something in that picture, something that could have warned you, something that would have given away the screaming careening messy future of that night. There's a beer that's foamed over and spilling on the counter and a girl with her mouth ohed in surprise. There's a gap between your heads shaped like a sickle. Was that it? Was that the warning?
But pictures are funny like that. Just like when you were a kid watching TV and tried to look at what was going of off screen by pressing your face to the glass. No matter how you angled your head, you couldn't see past the frame. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2009|10:06 am] |
Him: It was like the chariot scene in Ben-Hur! He was trying to run me off the road with his wheels!
Me: Nerd. Only nerds have actually seen Ben-Hur.
Him: No, they made us watch it in Latin class.
Me: NEEEEEEERD!
Him: Shit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|03:27 pm] |
| [ | I'm feeling: |
| |  determined | ] |
HEY REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW/GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD WAS DOING? WASN'T IT NICE NOT COMPARING MY LIFE TO EVERY OTHER PERSON OUT THERE'S LIFE? YEAH. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO DO THAT AGAIN.
I am whittling down my internetting to only a few things. No more famous people on Twitter, no more fucking wedding blogs, no more design blogs, no more shopping blogs, no more of all of that crap that makes me want shit I don't actually want, or want to do shit I don't actually want to do, or want to be someone I DON'T ACTUALLY FUCKING WANT TO BE.
Time to get re-acquainted with who I actually am. Thanks, internet, for having too much fucking information. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2009|02:15 pm] |
Remember when I had passion for something, and put effort into it? Those were good times.
I'm finding my extracurricular life lacking lately and can't get past the idea that hobbies and passions require money. LE SIGH WOE UNTO ME. Guh. I only complain here. That's fine though.
Hope you're all following your goddamn dreams because shit. They will disappear when you're not paying attention. I can't even remember mine anymore.
BOOHOO ABLOO HOO HOO. I am whinytowne. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2009|08:36 pm] |
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I can't ever escape the feeling thta freaking out about good news will jynx it. I am forever screwed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2009|10:20 am] |
Kaf! KAFFFFF kaf kaf hork. Kahuh! KAfff.
That is me, right now. Coughtowne. Hope your lungs are fine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|08:26 am] |
| [ | I'm feeling: |
| |  cold | ] |
Are any of you on Twitter? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
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I have been cooped up in this little cave of warm for like 36 hours now. I feel like I'm just gaining weight. I feel like I'm filling this space more and more every minute. I don't think I should fight it. I think I should eat cookies. I think I will. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2008|08:08 am] |
Oh. My. Gosh.
Be sure to watch the music video. Who's coming with me to see him when he goes on tour? |
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| Half of my listL 100 things to do before I die |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:29 pm] |
1. Build a craft room
2. Own/start a business doing something I love
3. Visit Mexico again
4. Sit in hot springs in Iceland
5. Indulge in architecture in Prague
6. Tea in India with tea pickers
7. Learn conversational/basic French
8. Become fluent in Spanish
9. See the northern lights in Alaska
10. Sleigh ride in Quebec
11. Tap a tree for maple syrup in Vermont
12. Have children
13. Get married
14. Write a memoir for future generations of my family to read
15. Learn as much about my ancestry as possible from my grandparents
16. Continue the genealogical work they've done
17. Invest money in a company I believe in
18. Knit a sweater
19. Take ballet lessons
20. Go on vacation with my best lady friend
21. Write a children's book (for my kids or a wider audience)
22. Take a road trip to Minnesota
23. Sing in public again
24. Learn the names of birds and how to recognize them and their songs
25. Create a self portrait that I'm happy with
26. Teach a kid how to make a flower headband
27. Ride an elephant
28. Have a vacation someplace tropical where all I do is drink fruity drinks in the sun and/or pool.
29. Lose 15 pounds
30. Run a 5k for a good cause
31. Donate $100 to an organization I believe in
32. Vacation with my sister
33. See my sister find and do what she loves
34. Take my Mom to Mexico
35. Hear my grandpa play with his Navy band again
36. Get my dad something autographed by the goalie of the 1984 USA Olympic Hockey Team
37. Play hockey with my dad
38. Get better at ice skating
39. Teach a kid how to ride a bike
40. Hike at least 100 miles of the Appalachian trail
41. Enjoy a cafe au lait in Paris
42. Vacation with Justin
43. See the Louvre. All of it.
44. Tell off a racist
45. Share a milkshake with Justin: two straws, one cup
46. Drink expensive champagne
47. Cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner for my family
48. Hug a long lost friend
49. Write a poem for Justin
50. Draw a picture for Jessica |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|07:45 pm] |
| [ | Where you at, dawg? |
| | Hometowne | ] |
| [ | I'm feeling: |
| |  chipper | ] |
1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 35 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... you're on my list, so I want to know you better. You don't even have to answer them all.
2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Yessir. The seriousest. We do not laugh.
02) What was your dream growing up? Ballerina! Weird.
03) What talent do you wish you had? BALLERINA.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Dry martini with a twist of lemon.
05) Favorite fruit? apples!
06) What was the last book you read? I am currently reading Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Last book finished was... the last one in the Belgariad by Danny Elfman or something. Edwards. I forgot.
07) What zodiac sign are you? Pisces ftw. SUPEER HIGH HIGHS. DEVASTATING LOWS.
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where. 3 tattoos: two birds on my back. a star on my tum. Pierced ears. On my ears.
09) Worst habit? I do this thing where I pick the skin around my thumbs. Also, interrupting. I am working on it I swear.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Well effing duh. There was one time when I saw someone who LOOKED like you and almost pulled over to give you a ride, but it wasn't you.
11) What is your favorite sport? To play: Volleyball. To watch on teevee: Hockey or baseball.
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude? On a grand scale, I don't make many assumptions about how things will turn out. On tiny things I tend to worry and think the worst.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Play 20 questions over and over again.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Uh... nope. You can ask me irl!
15) Tell me one weird fact about you: I am not so weird. I don't watch gorey movies?
16) Do you have any pets? A cat! The Atma Weapon.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? Why don't you, buddy?
18) What was your first impression of me? CUTE TOWNE.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Fuck.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? My... weight? Nose? I try not to think too much on these things.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? I will probably be your conscience, but I will also bring shovels.
22) What color eyes do you have? Brown.
23) Ever been arrested? I'm not sure.
24) Bottled or tap water? Tap, filtered.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Oh gosh! I would pay off my debt and move to Maine and get a nice apartment and decorate it with things I like and spend a bunch on knitting/diy project supplies.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Home! Also with friends. Home with friends?
27) Do you believe in ghosts? Yessir. Though I tell myself I don't.
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Knit!
29) Do you swear a lot? Fuck no.
30) Biggest pet peeve? Slurping of food.
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Farts!
32) Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe that there is a spark at first sight, and if you recognize the spark it can be luuuuuuuuuuuuurve.
33) Favorite and least favorite food? Favorite: Indian food. Least favorite: some greens, meat.
34) Do you believe in God? I am one of those confused folks.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Duh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|07:41 am] |
Uh, what? It's starting already?
It is pretty silly to be racist. It doesn't really make a whole ton of sense, or any sense at all for that matter.
Any racist comments left on this LiveJournal will be immediately deleted. So don't fucking bother. Extra fuck-you-points for posting them anonymously.
Le sigh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|06:59 am] |
| [ | I'm feeling: |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
Oh my God! OH MY GOD.
HELL YES. |
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| Remember like... two posts ago? All the doctor stuff? |
[Aug. 4th, 2008|10:43 am] |
NOTE: I have posted this elsewhere so if you are sick of it you can stop reading now and also shut your dirty mouth.
I have tiny monsters in my belly. They are teeny, even. But there they are, lighting up on the sonogram like little fireflies. They have grown on my ovaries and they are PISSED, you guys. So they give me pains like I have to pee. They give me lower back pain like I've been doing heavy lifting all day. Sometimes they make me nauseous JUST FOR FUN.
No, it's not cancer.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis on Friday and I am still kind of trying to figure out what that means.
According to WebMD, "Your uterus is lined with a type of tissue called endometrium. It is like a soft nest where a fertilized egg can grow. Each month, your body releases hormones that cause the endometrium to thicken and get ready for an egg. If you get pregnant, the fertilized egg attaches to the endometrium and starts to grow. If you do not get pregnant, the endometrium breaks down, and your body sheds it as blood. This is your menstrual period."
Well, thanks for that. But what the shit is this shit? "When you have endometriosis, the implants of tissue outside your uterus act just like the tissue lining your uterus. During your menstrual cycle, they get thicker, then break down and bleed. But the implants are outside your uterus, so the blood cannot flow out of your body. The implants can get irritated and painful. Sometimes they form scar tissue or fluid-filled sacs (cysts)." Oh! There it is. "Scar tissue may make it hard to get pregnant." Wait. What?
Nobody knows what course this will take or what to do about it. There is no cure and there are so many approaches to symptom prevention it is kind of dizzying.
I am not really a wait-and-see kind of lady. I am kind of a fighter and kind of a control freak. I want to do something about this NOW, but there is nothing to do. I don't want to control my symptoms, I want to shrink the cysts. I want to make it so they disappear. I want to slay the monsters, not make them a little sleepy.
Some women find a gluten-free diet works. Most sufferers and nutritionists say to cut out caffeine and booze completely. And chocolate. I don't know if you're aware, but I am kind of a coffee and chocolate taster for a living. I am also a booze taster for fun. So where does that leave my options? There is no proof that changing your diet even works, and there is no proof that it doesn't. Some women do nothing and nothing changes. Some women do everything and it just gets worse.
And this whole "It might be hard to get pregnant" thing has got me a bit depressed. Some people have told me that they know someone who has endometriosis and three kids. Some people said that they know of someone with it who is completely infertile. So uhhh... do I freeze my eggs and keep them under my mattress just in case? Or do I take the chance that when I'm ready for kids my uterus will play along? Is action overreaction?
I am a bit confused, is what I'm saying. I am a believer in traditional medicine but when there isn't really a traditional medicine approach that fits I am inclined to think holistically. Yoga might make my tum feel better and changing my diet might stop these little beasties in their tracks. Maybe. Might maybe. But yoga is expensive and changing my diet could affect my job. Also my life. Also it is probably expensive to buy all that organic, non soy based, gluten free food.
And then there's the anger. The irrational anger. What the fuck, nature? What the fuck. It should make me feel better to hear stories from women who suffer from endo and have had healthy pregnancies, but all I can think about is the fact that it doesn't mean anything. I am happy for them. But their fallopian tubes are not mine, and mine could be being crushed under scar tissue right now. I wouldn't know. A twinge of pain and there goes any chance of conception. Fuck you, tiny monsters. Eat a dick.
So I have another sonogram in six weeks or so to see how this has progressed. Maybe I don't change anything until then. What do you think? Please let me know what you think. It is depressing and angry up in my skullspace and I need to hear someone besides myself.
Also: part of my index finger is numb. WHAT THE HELL, Body? You are a laugh riot, I tell you what. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|11:40 am] |
I am sad that I don't have the internet at home.
Oh internet, why aren't you FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|07:26 am] |
I am not trying to complain, or make people feel bad for me. I am frustrated and I want to talk about doctors.
There has been something the matter with me for about 3 weeks now, and when I go to the doctor they do one test at a time. All of these tests have come back negative, which means after three weeks, nobody knows what's wrong with me.
It isn't that it's been three weeks, it's that NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE in three weeks. Three tests. One test, wait. One test, wait. One test, wait. Just do them all at the same time because I cannot afford multiple co-payments and missing this much work.
After calling for my results yesterday and them saying that there were more negatives, the receptionist said "Dr. _______ says follow up if you're still symptomatic."
...
I have been symptomatic for a while now. That is not going to change. YOU tell ME if I need to follow up. YOU are the doctor. |
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stegosaurus_rex's journal
nostalgic